On Cruel and Unusual Torture

Why would anyone in their right mind do vault? Why is it even an event? My theory is that they didn't want everyone to do gymnastics, so they put it in as a deterrent, figuring about half of those interested in gymnastics would not join because it would involve running 15 miles per hour at a stationary object.

Really, whoever invented the I'll-run-bounce-off-a-springboard-then-attempt-to-fly-which-anybody-with-a-little-sense-in-their-head-knows-won't-work was a genius. They sure have got crowd control mastered.

But then us few insane wackos who do it anyway are probably legally able to prosecute our coaches for cruel and unusual punishment. Doing it once I guess I could understand, kind of like, Oh, I'll smoke marijuana once just to see what it's like, or, You know, I really don't feel that my life will be complete until I've jumped off a moving train, so hey, why not? But being forced to do it again and again, that has got to be unconstitutional!

The Apple And The Tomato

There is a big difference between slicing an apple and slicing a tomato.

When you slice an apple, you have to use a small, sharp knife and make clean cuts, applying a lot of pressure.

When you slice a tomato, you have to use a serrated knife (my grandfather had a special tomato knife, but I think he was unusual in that respect) and apply very little pressure, sawing back and forth gently.

And that is not the kind of insight you will find anywhere else on the internet.

Answers to Marine Toad Quiz

1) B) Marine toads are nocturnal, emerging at night to search for food.

2) D) The marine toad has very large parotoid glands on both shoulders. They will release venom if attacked or if a predator makes the mistake of putting a marine toad in its mouth.

3) A) Marine toad venom can kill in as little as 15 minutes.

4) B) Marine toads are known to eat insects, but also snakes and even other frogs and toads.

5) C) Each marine toad egg clutch, which are draped over underwater plants, contains about 20,000 eggs.

6) C) Marine toads are also called cane toads because of their help to sugar cane growth.

7) D) The marine toad is native to only Central and South America, but sadly, it has also been introduced to other places, and, while marine toads are pretty cool, I won't even make an exception for them when I say that invasive species are bad. But it wasn't the marine toad's fault that it got brought to non-native places, so I won't hold it against them. 

Marine toad habitat in Australia.

8) A) Marine toads will eat almost anything (but to the best of my knowledge, not fish or birds).

Marine Toad Quiz

If you ask a first-grader what her favorite animal is and she says "marine toad," you will probably think she is either unstable or reading out of an encyclopaedia. Most people who made the mistake of asking me this when I was seven were expecting something more along the lines of "dog" or "giraffe."

But I said marine toad, and there are many interesting things about this species that make it a good first-grade muse. Test your knowledge of marine toads by using the quiz I created below.

1) Marine toads are:

    A)diurnal
    B)nocturnal
    C)crepuscular
    D)always awake

2) If attacked, the marine toad will secrete venom from glands

    A)on its tongue
    B)all over its skin
    C)on its toes
    D)on its shoulders

3) This venom can kill in as quickly as

    A)15 minutes
    B)half an hour
    C)2 hours
    D)24 hours

4) The marine toad's diet includes

    A)fish
    B)snakes
    C)birds
    D)all of the above

5) Each egg clutch contains

    A)1 egg
    B)5-10 eggs
    C)about 20,000 eggs
    D)about 1 million eggs

6) The marine toad was deliberately introduced into some countries to control the populations of insects that are destroying

    A)roses
    B)corn
    C)sugar cane
    D)orchids

7) The marine toad is naturally found in

    A)North America and parts of Northern Russia
    B)every continent except Antarctica and South America
    C)Madagascar and parts of Southern Africa
    D)Central and South America

8) The marine toad is
    A)highly adaptable because it will eat almost anything
    B)highly adaptable because it changes color like a chameleon
    C)very bad at adapting because many species prey on it
    D)very bad at adapting because, unlike many toads, it cannot swim