Spaghetti Is My Nemesis

I was recently reading a book in which the character is eating dinner. Now what would she be eating for dinner? Spaghetti, of course. Not only did this lucky girl get spaghetti, she was also eating bread with it. Bread and spaghetti! For the same meal!

Mine might not seem like a typical reaction, so to try to explain, let me tell you about my complicated relationship with gluten.

About 5 years ago, I was supposed to go to the hospital and get some blood tests done to see why I wasn't growing as much as most children my age. They found the only thing wrong with me (on a related note, when did being short start to be considered a bad thing? It's genetics. You have achieved absolutely nothing if you are tall. If you take pride in your height, that just means you have done nothing else you can brag about. Get a life!) was that I had a high level of gluten antibodies.

Gluten is a protein found in barley, rye, and wheat. Barley and rye are not nearly as common as wheat, but the inability to eat wheat means no bread, pancakes, cake, cookies, bagels, doughnuts, toast, waffles, tortillas, pizza, or pasta of any sort, INCLUDING SPAGHETTI.

It turns out I am not allergic to gluten yet, but I have to go to the hospital every month or so to get another test because it is likely I will become allergic. I think this is all a waste of time. I am not allergic. Do you have no faith in your medical equipment? That blood-analysis machine probably cost more than my house. If it can't give you an accurate reading now, it never will. You took your test, now get the hell out of my life!

Unfortunately, not everybody shares my sentiments. My parents, for example, think that avoiding gluten is good for me. My happiness is obviously not a priority in our household. Occasionally we will have spaghetti made from quinoa instead of wheat, but never with bread. Just my luck I get the crappy genes. And I'm short! (But we've already decided that's not a bad thing.)

But this is under the vegetarian cooking section, so I owe you a recipe. Here's a recipe for tomato sauce you can put on your wheat spaghetti. As you eat it, think of me. And pity me.

P.S. Clearly this person can't count because they say it takes 10 minutes but if you look at the directions it takes 15 minutes and 30 seconds plus whatever time it takes to melt the butter, chop and mix ingredients, stir, season, and cook until simmering. Ah, well, we can't all pass first grade math.

This recipe was taken from 

http://www.food.com/recipe/10-minute-tomato-sauce-from-americas-test-kitchen-429838#.

On Vegetarian Cooking

When I was in first grade, I decided to become a vegetarian because I thought that eating other animals was very unethical. This posed a couple problems, mainly that I didn't do the cooking in my house and that my mother was not all-too-supportive of my decision because I was already anemic. I don't know if anyone is in the same situation as me in that you are having trouble finding good vegetarian recipes, so I am here to help. This is why I have set up a Vegetarian Cooking section of my blog.

Now, if I was a good blogger, I would post many nutritious, delicious, easy-to-make recipes that everyone would love. However, I am not a good blogger, so instead I am going to aggravate you by posting a recipe for cake. Also, this is called Hummingbird Cake, so the name alone has already violated any vegetarian diet. I can, however, assure you that it is delicious.

No hummingbirds were harmed in the making of this blog post nor are they harmed in the making of this cake.

I'm Not Late, I'm Squirrel-like

Squirrels are a very successful species. Nobody can argue with that. They are found on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. They can live in forests and woodlands, but also manage to get along just fine in cities and suburbs. Squirrels are on their way to taking over the world.

Why do we not value "squirrel-like" qualities, then? Thousands of oak trees a year (seriously— thousands!) grow because a squirrel has forgotten which tree he or she has hidden acorns under, and therefore leaves the acorns to start a forest. A human forgets car keys, or a math folder, or money? Out of luck! Be responsible! What were you thinking? Um, maybe that squirrels do it and it has served them just fine!

Squirrels also have no sense of property. This tree, that tree, your attic, who cares? A human goes walking into a strangers house unexpectedly? Well, thanks to our liberal gun laws, that might be the last time they ever trespass.

When Europeans first came to America, the Native Americans didn't believe in owning land either. As Pocahontas puts it, "You think the Earth's a dead thing you can claim." Land does not belong to anyone. Just look at the squirrels.

If we all took after squirrels, I can think of so many problems that would just go away. The hell with organization! Plant a tree.

To Kill A Teacher

My Literacy teacher was trying to analyze To Kill A Mockingbird in class the other day. "So, what does the mockingbird symbolize? Why won't Atticus allow Jem to kill them?"

About 5 bemused faces turned to look at her because the rest of the class didn't even bother to turn around. She decided to try a different approach: implant her thoughts in our heads. "The mockingbird symbolizes people who only bring good to the world, yet are very vulnerable. Who is a mockingbird character in this book?"

Again, everybody ignored the question asked. I, horrified that Atticus could weigh one life against another, had a different idea. "Bluejays have just as much right to live as mockingbirds. Maybe mockingbirds are the people in society you can't hit and bluejays are ordinary people."

My teacher clearly didn't have as developed a sense of ethics as I did. "No, you're wrong. That's not what mockingbirds symbolize."

"How do you know?" I asked. "Are you Harper Lee?"

"No, but I know what a mockingbird symbolizes, and it's not high people in society."

"Well, I think that's a very closed-minded approach." Teachers were always going on about keeping an open mind, and this hypocrisy was not going to fly with me.

"Do you think you know better than me, young lady?" Actually, I did, but given my detention history (it's not my fault we only get 3 minutes in between classes and you can get a detention for tardies. Really, blame the system; don't blame me), I figured I had better not enlighten her on my thoughts.

"No, of course not," (after all, you're the teacher, and we all know a college degree equals immediate wisdom gain, right?) "I just think there might be more than one solution."

"Well there's not." At this point, I think I might have said something like, "OK, Harper Lee," because I was asked to please leave the classroom until the discussion was over. Another martyr for justice in the school system. Atticus would have been proud. Oh wait, he kills bluejays.

The Great Escape

There are two main theories as to why there are no snakes in Ireland.

The first is that St. Patrick banished them all.

The second is that during the last Ice Age, there was a land bridge connecting France and England and another connecting Ireland and Scotland. The snakes slithered from mainland Europe to England, but by the time they had gone all the way North to Scotland, the land bridge had melted. Snakes never left Ireland; they never made it to Ireland in the first place.

Personally, I hope it was the second one because as we all know from the first post moving species is never a good idea. St. Patrick, please, the snakes will get their own shit together, just leave them be.

Anyway, however this happened, all the hard work is going down the drain. Some eejit (that's Irish-English for idiot) couldn't take care of their pet snakes and let them go. Or so the papers say...

I think that the snakes hatched a great escape plan. I mean, really, what's worse than being in a foreign country in a little glass cage? So they all got together and ran away. However it happened, now there are wild snakes in Ireland. Sorry if you were planning your next vacation there.

On New Orleans' Solution, Gray Squirrels, and Other Disasters

I recently heard about a well-covered-up-for American meat shortage about 100 years ago (speaking of well-covered-up-for, every U.S. president has had multiple assassination attempts that the Secret Service doesn't tell us about). In addition to this meat shortage, which was caused by the rapidly growing population, the turn of the century United States had another problem: the water hyacinth, native to Brazil, had been introduced to Louisiana, where it was clogging drains, pipes, and rivers and competing with native species such as pickerelweed. Congress had an amazing solution: bring hippopotamus herds to Louisiana. The hippopotami would eat the water hyacinth in addition to providing a new meat source for the country. Can you think of a better idea than that?

Of course, this solution did not turn out very well. If Congress had been thinking (but that's too much to ask, I suppose), they would realize that introducing invasive species never turns out well. Ask any red squirrel in Ireland and they will wholeheartedly agree (if they understand the question). Red squirrels are native to Ireland but in 1911, some geniuses decided that gray squirrels would be a nice addition to Irish wildlife and released twelve at Castle Forbes, Co. Longford. Within a few decades, those twelve squirrels populated most of Ireland. Gray squirrels, from North America, are bigger and better at collecting food and surviving in deciduous woodland habitats. The only thing going for the red squirrels is that they weren't in a deciduous woodland habitat due to all of the deforestation in Ireland. The only good effect of deforestation I have heard so far.

So, that said, please keep your animals to yourself. Introducing species where they don't belong is a recipe for disaster. Also, please vote for me for Congress because I think I would do a much better job.