Boo Boo the Bear III

Yet more news on Boo Boo the poor bear cub, although he may not be very unlucky much longer!

Boo Boo was found to never have been exposed to rabies, so he has been found a new home: the St. Louis Zoo!

To anyone not from St. Louis, the St. Louis Zoo is one of the best zoos in the world. Animals are in big enclosures meant to mimic their natural habitat with plenty of plants and other animals, and taken good care of by zookeepers. Boo Boo will have a good life there, safe from terrible people like Cindy Farmer. Also, he might be released back into the wild because, thanks in part to Gerald Durrell, zoos can help animals (especially orphans like Boo Boo) to learn to live in the wild.

Actually, I would love to live in the St. Louis Zoo.

And the admission is free, so stop by to wish Boo Boo good luck!

Boo Boo! (This is actually while he is still at Wash-U.)
(courtesy of the Wall Street Journal)

Boo Boo the Bear II

Boo Boo will not be euthanized! The Conservation Department found a way to trace back his origins to the point that they can figure out whether or not he has been exposed to rabies. I'd love to say my efforts helped Boo Boo, but I doubt it, although maybe this shows that if you try hard enough to find another way, you will. It might have seemed simplest to euthanize Boo Boo, but they were able to find another way.

Boo Boo in the hands of an animal shelter.
(Courtesy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Still, BOYCOTT CINDY'S PETTING ZOO!!! An inspector was sent there to investigate, and this was a REPEAT VIOLATION. Usually, petting zoos only have to be inspected about once a year, but this was the sixth time this year that they had to send an inspector to Cindy's. In the past, they have found sharp wires sticking out at the eye level of rabbits, pigs sitting for weeks in their own waste, water bowls with thick black-brown sludge, animals kept in close to pitch black rooms, jagged metal on cages, expired vaccinations, and, once, a goat stuck inside a feeder, its entire body weight resting on 2 wires, and the owner, Cindy Farmer, seemingly oblivious.

This is not OK! Never give this evil woman business!

However, thank God that Boo Boo was spared. If he is found rabies-less, they will find a better home for him.

Boo Boo the Bear

Washington University recently hired Cindy's Petting Zoo to help take stress off students during finals. They made an agreement that the petting zoo was ONLY TO BRING DOMESTICATED FARM ANIMALS. Surprise, surprise, they show up with a bear cub.

Boo Boo in a student's arms.
(courtesy of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Boo Boo, a 3-month-old bear cub, whose mother was most likely killed in order to obtain him for the petting zoo, nipped a couple of students because he is still teething. After finding out that Boo Boo was taken out of the wild, Wash-U told all the students who had been nipped to report it to the Student Health Services because Boo Boo might have rabies. If I went to Wash-U, this would certainly be taking a lot of stress off of me!

Because animals born in the wild might not show rabies symptoms, it was decided that Boo Boo would have to be euthanized in order to conduct tests to determine whether or not the students should seek medical treatment. The date for the euthanasia is yet to be set.

Boo Boo did nothing wrong! He was an untrained bear taken away from his family and his home by a cruel petting zoo owner. He should not have to die! Boycott Cindy's Petting Zoo until they re-look this ghastly felony! Write to a politician! We must do something about this, and quickly, to save an innocent cub from a terrible fate!

On Cruel and Unusual Torture

Why would anyone in their right mind do vault? Why is it even an event? My theory is that they didn't want everyone to do gymnastics, so they put it in as a deterrent, figuring about half of those interested in gymnastics would not join because it would involve running 15 miles per hour at a stationary object.

Really, whoever invented the I'll-run-bounce-off-a-springboard-then-attempt-to-fly-which-anybody-with-a-little-sense-in-their-head-knows-won't-work was a genius. They sure have got crowd control mastered.

But then us few insane wackos who do it anyway are probably legally able to prosecute our coaches for cruel and unusual punishment. Doing it once I guess I could understand, kind of like, Oh, I'll smoke marijuana once just to see what it's like, or, You know, I really don't feel that my life will be complete until I've jumped off a moving train, so hey, why not? But being forced to do it again and again, that has got to be unconstitutional!

The Apple And The Tomato

There is a big difference between slicing an apple and slicing a tomato.

When you slice an apple, you have to use a small, sharp knife and make clean cuts, applying a lot of pressure.

When you slice a tomato, you have to use a serrated knife (my grandfather had a special tomato knife, but I think he was unusual in that respect) and apply very little pressure, sawing back and forth gently.

And that is not the kind of insight you will find anywhere else on the internet.

Answers to Marine Toad Quiz

1) B) Marine toads are nocturnal, emerging at night to search for food.

2) D) The marine toad has very large parotoid glands on both shoulders. They will release venom if attacked or if a predator makes the mistake of putting a marine toad in its mouth.

3) A) Marine toad venom can kill in as little as 15 minutes.

4) B) Marine toads are known to eat insects, but also snakes and even other frogs and toads.

5) C) Each marine toad egg clutch, which are draped over underwater plants, contains about 20,000 eggs.

6) C) Marine toads are also called cane toads because of their help to sugar cane growth.

7) D) The marine toad is native to only Central and South America, but sadly, it has also been introduced to other places, and, while marine toads are pretty cool, I won't even make an exception for them when I say that invasive species are bad. But it wasn't the marine toad's fault that it got brought to non-native places, so I won't hold it against them. 

Marine toad habitat in Australia.

8) A) Marine toads will eat almost anything (but to the best of my knowledge, not fish or birds).

Marine Toad Quiz

If you ask a first-grader what her favorite animal is and she says "marine toad," you will probably think she is either unstable or reading out of an encyclopaedia. Most people who made the mistake of asking me this when I was seven were expecting something more along the lines of "dog" or "giraffe."

But I said marine toad, and there are many interesting things about this species that make it a good first-grade muse. Test your knowledge of marine toads by using the quiz I created below.

1) Marine toads are:

    A)diurnal
    B)nocturnal
    C)crepuscular
    D)always awake

2) If attacked, the marine toad will secrete venom from glands

    A)on its tongue
    B)all over its skin
    C)on its toes
    D)on its shoulders

3) This venom can kill in as quickly as

    A)15 minutes
    B)half an hour
    C)2 hours
    D)24 hours

4) The marine toad's diet includes

    A)fish
    B)snakes
    C)birds
    D)all of the above

5) Each egg clutch contains

    A)1 egg
    B)5-10 eggs
    C)about 20,000 eggs
    D)about 1 million eggs

6) The marine toad was deliberately introduced into some countries to control the populations of insects that are destroying

    A)roses
    B)corn
    C)sugar cane
    D)orchids

7) The marine toad is naturally found in

    A)North America and parts of Northern Russia
    B)every continent except Antarctica and South America
    C)Madagascar and parts of Southern Africa
    D)Central and South America

8) The marine toad is
    A)highly adaptable because it will eat almost anything
    B)highly adaptable because it changes color like a chameleon
    C)very bad at adapting because many species prey on it
    D)very bad at adapting because, unlike many toads, it cannot swim

Scientific Problems Part II

If my little spiel on science a couple of days ago wasn't enough for you, here are some more complaints.

In one class period (about a week ago), my Science teacher managed to tell us that P stood for Potassium on the periodic table (it stands for Phosphorus; Potassium is K), spell Heisenberg wrong (and she even had a sheet for notes!), AND get the number of valence electrons of Lithium and Phosphorus wrong.

Today, she sent half of our class to ISS (In-School Suspension). There are 8 seats in the ISS room. She sent 12 people. One teacher is not supposed to even be sending more than 2. If a teacher can't manage her class, she should be fired; another teacher shouldn't have to do her work.

On Science Through The Ages

As I was sitting in Science the other day, reading a book under my desk (but I might as well have had it out in the open — my Science teacher thinks P stands for Potassium, so I doubt if she is even conscious of the world around her), a thought occurred to me. Who are we to preach about science? I bet the Ancient Romans thought their methods were right, too. We are probably wrong! Why don't we just accept this and not study science in school? It's not going to serve us well later in life anyway.

A Roman physician letting blood.

I'm sure this revelation had nothing to do with my utter boredom with the subject.

The Undead Are Coming!

The last edition of The New York Times Magazine featured an eight-page article about bringing extinct species back to life. I've posted a link here: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/02/magazine/the-mammoth-cometh.html?_r=0.

I honestly was going to read it, but I don't really have the time or motivation to read an eight-page article, so after the first 3 pages, I got distracted and started doing something else. I did, however, get a summary from my father, and I kind of got the idea from what I did read. (I just lost all credibility on this topic, didn't I?)

Basically, this guy wanted to use DNA from taxidermied passenger pigeons in museums. Foolproof plan, right? He conveniently overlooks the fact that some strands of DNA would be dead because the passenger pigeons are so old and DNA from bacteria could get mixed in. Somebody else, whose passion seems to be not for passenger pigeons but ecological unrest, wanted to bring back mammoths. Yes. MAMMOTHS. He figures mammoths will live in the Arctic, eat grasses, and promote growth of the Arctic tundra.

What they give as the biggest reason this is a good idea? I quote, "it would be really cool." Now, I have never, in my almost 14 years of existence, a better reason to start a project that has the potential to destroy all the ecosystems on Earth. Well, of course it would be cool, excuse me for not realizing that, after all, doesn't all life on Earth exist purely for Stewart Brand's amusement?

I agree with them that humans have done terrible things to the planet's life. A single flock of passenger pigeons used to black out the Sun for hours when it flew by. There were billions of passenger pigeons only a few years before its extinction in 1914. But we need to move on. A valid concern mentioned in the article is that this "cool" project could halt conservation efforts because if you can bring back species so easily, why try to save them? If you have to animate dead animals and use laboratory tools to bring them back, I think that is going too far. That is not what we need right now. I also see a huge ethical problem with this, similar to people's concerns about cloning. I don't think it is fair to either the animal whose DNA you are taking nor the animal you create. Everybody has a right to die. I wouldn't want to be brought back. I want to die.

Also, how far are you willing to go? Bringing back passenger pigeons is one thing. Mammoths are quite another. This could easily get headed down the wrong track. Sure, it would be cool to see a T-rex. That doesn't mean we should bring one to 2014. Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? That is supposed to be a warning. Stop now!

The Importance of Blogging

This was from the comic strip "Pearls Before Swine" by Stephan Pastis, published July 13, 2008.

Spaghetti Is My Nemesis

I was recently reading a book in which the character is eating dinner. Now what would she be eating for dinner? Spaghetti, of course. Not only did this lucky girl get spaghetti, she was also eating bread with it. Bread and spaghetti! For the same meal!

Mine might not seem like a typical reaction, so to try to explain, let me tell you about my complicated relationship with gluten.

About 5 years ago, I was supposed to go to the hospital and get some blood tests done to see why I wasn't growing as much as most children my age. They found the only thing wrong with me (on a related note, when did being short start to be considered a bad thing? It's genetics. You have achieved absolutely nothing if you are tall. If you take pride in your height, that just means you have done nothing else you can brag about. Get a life!) was that I had a high level of gluten antibodies.

Gluten is a protein found in barley, rye, and wheat. Barley and rye are not nearly as common as wheat, but the inability to eat wheat means no bread, pancakes, cake, cookies, bagels, doughnuts, toast, waffles, tortillas, pizza, or pasta of any sort, INCLUDING SPAGHETTI.

It turns out I am not allergic to gluten yet, but I have to go to the hospital every month or so to get another test because it is likely I will become allergic. I think this is all a waste of time. I am not allergic. Do you have no faith in your medical equipment? That blood-analysis machine probably cost more than my house. If it can't give you an accurate reading now, it never will. You took your test, now get the hell out of my life!

Unfortunately, not everybody shares my sentiments. My parents, for example, think that avoiding gluten is good for me. My happiness is obviously not a priority in our household. Occasionally we will have spaghetti made from quinoa instead of wheat, but never with bread. Just my luck I get the crappy genes. And I'm short! (But we've already decided that's not a bad thing.)

But this is under the vegetarian cooking section, so I owe you a recipe. Here's a recipe for tomato sauce you can put on your wheat spaghetti. As you eat it, think of me. And pity me.

P.S. Clearly this person can't count because they say it takes 10 minutes but if you look at the directions it takes 15 minutes and 30 seconds plus whatever time it takes to melt the butter, chop and mix ingredients, stir, season, and cook until simmering. Ah, well, we can't all pass first grade math.

This recipe was taken from 

http://www.food.com/recipe/10-minute-tomato-sauce-from-americas-test-kitchen-429838#.

On Vegetarian Cooking

When I was in first grade, I decided to become a vegetarian because I thought that eating other animals was very unethical. This posed a couple problems, mainly that I didn't do the cooking in my house and that my mother was not all-too-supportive of my decision because I was already anemic. I don't know if anyone is in the same situation as me in that you are having trouble finding good vegetarian recipes, so I am here to help. This is why I have set up a Vegetarian Cooking section of my blog.

Now, if I was a good blogger, I would post many nutritious, delicious, easy-to-make recipes that everyone would love. However, I am not a good blogger, so instead I am going to aggravate you by posting a recipe for cake. Also, this is called Hummingbird Cake, so the name alone has already violated any vegetarian diet. I can, however, assure you that it is delicious.

No hummingbirds were harmed in the making of this blog post nor are they harmed in the making of this cake.

I'm Not Late, I'm Squirrel-like

Squirrels are a very successful species. Nobody can argue with that. They are found on every continent except Australia and Antarctica. They can live in forests and woodlands, but also manage to get along just fine in cities and suburbs. Squirrels are on their way to taking over the world.

Why do we not value "squirrel-like" qualities, then? Thousands of oak trees a year (seriously— thousands!) grow because a squirrel has forgotten which tree he or she has hidden acorns under, and therefore leaves the acorns to start a forest. A human forgets car keys, or a math folder, or money? Out of luck! Be responsible! What were you thinking? Um, maybe that squirrels do it and it has served them just fine!

Squirrels also have no sense of property. This tree, that tree, your attic, who cares? A human goes walking into a strangers house unexpectedly? Well, thanks to our liberal gun laws, that might be the last time they ever trespass.

When Europeans first came to America, the Native Americans didn't believe in owning land either. As Pocahontas puts it, "You think the Earth's a dead thing you can claim." Land does not belong to anyone. Just look at the squirrels.

If we all took after squirrels, I can think of so many problems that would just go away. The hell with organization! Plant a tree.

To Kill A Teacher

My Literacy teacher was trying to analyze To Kill A Mockingbird in class the other day. "So, what does the mockingbird symbolize? Why won't Atticus allow Jem to kill them?"

About 5 bemused faces turned to look at her because the rest of the class didn't even bother to turn around. She decided to try a different approach: implant her thoughts in our heads. "The mockingbird symbolizes people who only bring good to the world, yet are very vulnerable. Who is a mockingbird character in this book?"

Again, everybody ignored the question asked. I, horrified that Atticus could weigh one life against another, had a different idea. "Bluejays have just as much right to live as mockingbirds. Maybe mockingbirds are the people in society you can't hit and bluejays are ordinary people."

My teacher clearly didn't have as developed a sense of ethics as I did. "No, you're wrong. That's not what mockingbirds symbolize."

"How do you know?" I asked. "Are you Harper Lee?"

"No, but I know what a mockingbird symbolizes, and it's not high people in society."

"Well, I think that's a very closed-minded approach." Teachers were always going on about keeping an open mind, and this hypocrisy was not going to fly with me.

"Do you think you know better than me, young lady?" Actually, I did, but given my detention history (it's not my fault we only get 3 minutes in between classes and you can get a detention for tardies. Really, blame the system; don't blame me), I figured I had better not enlighten her on my thoughts.

"No, of course not," (after all, you're the teacher, and we all know a college degree equals immediate wisdom gain, right?) "I just think there might be more than one solution."

"Well there's not." At this point, I think I might have said something like, "OK, Harper Lee," because I was asked to please leave the classroom until the discussion was over. Another martyr for justice in the school system. Atticus would have been proud. Oh wait, he kills bluejays.

The Great Escape

There are two main theories as to why there are no snakes in Ireland.

The first is that St. Patrick banished them all.

The second is that during the last Ice Age, there was a land bridge connecting France and England and another connecting Ireland and Scotland. The snakes slithered from mainland Europe to England, but by the time they had gone all the way North to Scotland, the land bridge had melted. Snakes never left Ireland; they never made it to Ireland in the first place.

Personally, I hope it was the second one because as we all know from the first post moving species is never a good idea. St. Patrick, please, the snakes will get their own shit together, just leave them be.

Anyway, however this happened, all the hard work is going down the drain. Some eejit (that's Irish-English for idiot) couldn't take care of their pet snakes and let them go. Or so the papers say...

I think that the snakes hatched a great escape plan. I mean, really, what's worse than being in a foreign country in a little glass cage? So they all got together and ran away. However it happened, now there are wild snakes in Ireland. Sorry if you were planning your next vacation there.

On New Orleans' Solution, Gray Squirrels, and Other Disasters

I recently heard about a well-covered-up-for American meat shortage about 100 years ago (speaking of well-covered-up-for, every U.S. president has had multiple assassination attempts that the Secret Service doesn't tell us about). In addition to this meat shortage, which was caused by the rapidly growing population, the turn of the century United States had another problem: the water hyacinth, native to Brazil, had been introduced to Louisiana, where it was clogging drains, pipes, and rivers and competing with native species such as pickerelweed. Congress had an amazing solution: bring hippopotamus herds to Louisiana. The hippopotami would eat the water hyacinth in addition to providing a new meat source for the country. Can you think of a better idea than that?

Of course, this solution did not turn out very well. If Congress had been thinking (but that's too much to ask, I suppose), they would realize that introducing invasive species never turns out well. Ask any red squirrel in Ireland and they will wholeheartedly agree (if they understand the question). Red squirrels are native to Ireland but in 1911, some geniuses decided that gray squirrels would be a nice addition to Irish wildlife and released twelve at Castle Forbes, Co. Longford. Within a few decades, those twelve squirrels populated most of Ireland. Gray squirrels, from North America, are bigger and better at collecting food and surviving in deciduous woodland habitats. The only thing going for the red squirrels is that they weren't in a deciduous woodland habitat due to all of the deforestation in Ireland. The only good effect of deforestation I have heard so far.

So, that said, please keep your animals to yourself. Introducing species where they don't belong is a recipe for disaster. Also, please vote for me for Congress because I think I would do a much better job.